forgiving myself
@ 10:53 am on January 27, 2005

When did my high oppinion of sexual sacredity go?
I used to think sex + losing your virginity would be a big deal. I thought it eas a beautiful thing that could never be stolen away. Mine was stolen three weeks ago & I want it back.
I feel like I"ve lost my whole sexual identity since I slept with Chris.
Nothing is innocent about me anymore and it makes me ill.
I want my virginity back.

I thought I was ready until an epiphany hit me that I was lying to myself...saying something was 'okay' at my emotional expense - to make another person happy.
What I did was not okay...it was a bad decision and I wasn't ready.
HOwever I learned something new & I understand many things I didn't before. Such as "What's the big deal, anyways?"
While I ramble on about my stupidity and ignorance about sex and the cost , I must also put some blame on Chris. What happened was statchatory rape...
[(I'm 17- he's 21)]
Don't get me wrong - it still does take two to tango - but Chris...he's a legal adult {that acts like a child , mind you...} he knew what he was doing with me was wrong...and I knew it was wrong to let him do it.

You can't fight with yourself enough when it comes to mistakes this big.

I can tell you I'm tired of being rebelious and viewed that way. People tell me they think I'm a rebel because I make mistakes and am honest and accountable about them with other people. I am not a rebel, a whore, unclassy or morally incorrect in any way...I am human, and when I fuck up - I fuck up big time. I don't care if you forgive me- the issues always lyes within forgiving myself...

<< >>

>