the foe of friendship
@ 3:22 pm on January 29, 2005

If I had a penny for everytime somebody let me down, I would be richer than Oprah.

I've been trying to imagine myself in the future. WIll I be happy? Will I have friends that I can love and trust and depend on? As well as vise versa? Or will I be the same pathetic person I am now?

I fucking hate this. I feel like a needy little puppy that only wants compainionship but recieves a swift kick whenever I ask for it.

I cried yesterday night because a huge group of people ditched me. And just last week... Asia and Christi did the same. Things are solved with Christi- its just now I can trust her more than Asia. Everything with Asia seems beyond superficial at the moment.

There's this instrumental by KoRn and throughout the whole riff Jonathan Davis is whispering : "All I want in life is to be happy...[happy...]"
That's my only desire. I'm not happy enough with myself and the person I am to be content without friends - even if they are shitty ones.

My desire for friendship is eating me away like a whore getting her final fix of heroin.

I could understand if I was a shitty person and completely undeserving of my desire. But I know I deserve it- Karma needs to pay up eventually...

I know we all have challenges in life...but this has been going on since preschool. + I'm a junior in high school now. Nobody cares to take the time to know me, to hear what I yearn for, I haven't opened up my heart to anybody in seventeen years of life.

Sure, a few people have seen glimpses of the significance of me - and they tell me they see it ... What makes me itch is I don't see anything. There is no significance.

All I see is a little girl inside me that never really go tto be a little girl. I remember all of 6 times I was allowed to play with dolls, play with my elementry school peers...etc... when my father was around.

Sorry - a little off the subject , but that has truly shaped who I am today.

I know in a way its my fault- I know because my heart has been scarred, bruised, and stabbed many times by many people. And this is what I am now, a 17-year-old girl lost in her own skin...

This girl is willing to sacrifice anything except her walls, her synthetic smile, and her hollow laughte, for one good friend.
Just one... She would do anything.
All I wish for is to know I am capable of being loved.

See what you have made me father? I am your creation- your emotionally mutated monster.

And the only way I can speak from my heart and soul is through words... this is all I'm left with.

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