no rhyme in her reason
@ 5:23 pm on March 02, 2005

Two things life has been lately are 1)heartbreaking and 2)expensive.
I still owe the court $163.00 and have been too lazy to call collections. I still owe Matt $100.00 even though he tells me he doesn't care if I pay it or not.
I have my pride...

I'd rather ignore the heartbreaking aspect of life and keep on walking.
When I'm not out with my friends having a good time and doing random shit I'm sitting at home and mopeing. At least I have been for the last couple days.

There is this complicated emotion within my heart that I can't even put a name to. There are too many factors within this emotion to even attempt at labeling it. But I figure if I can label some of the factors, I can get closer to understanding what is fucking with my emotions so badly when I'm alone.

Lets see...I know I feel this great disappointment within myself for making such brash decisions at the spur of the moment. I lost something I can never get back, I feel like I lost a part of my identity within losing it.

I have a great deal of sadness right now as well. I look at myself and how my life has gone. I realize I've lost so much within so little time. I have no father, I have no love. Its hard to see yourself in the mirror when you lack so much and have so little.

I am enraged. Yes, enraged. I feel like too many people have taken me for graunted and fucked with my heart and emotion. I feel like my heart is cooling in a freezer somewhere and I can't save it for the hell of me. I've lost too many friends, put hope into too many things only to have it smashed and shattered away.

How much more can I take?

Christina and I were having this conversation yesterday about how part of her conscience died away. It had to do with lies...
Mine doesn't have much to do with lies, although I'm sure a fraction of it does. It has to do with people screwing me over. I look at what I've done to deserve the loss of so many friends...a couple of loves...and so many things I've loved. I can hardly believe I have deserved all of this. It makes me timid, I think I might lose Christina, I might lose more people.

I lost Chris...

I lost Chris and he didn't even know me. I lost him in the shadow of my blinking eyes. I lost him...

I never loved him. I can say that with true conviction. But I did give a part of myself to him hoping it would go somewhere.

I hate myself for doing that. I absolutely dispise him for using me like that. The thoughts of him yelling at me "I never made you any promises!!!"while I cried to him on the phone feeling such an urgency to be reassured and loved. He spoke the truth. He told me lies that I fell for.

Me, the girl that is supposed to have a heart of steal, no emotion, and the need for no one... I cried to him... I didn't know how much I would regret what I have done.

I didn't know...

Its starting to sink in, finally. I thought it had all passed. I was numbed to it for so long. What have I done?
I stare at his pictures now and I feel this sickness turn in my stomach. Yet, at the same time I feel thing longing to fill this absolute dark emptiness that is within me. A need to love another human being. I am too afraid, too fucked in the mind, and too much for people to handle most of the time.

This is the reason I have nobody to cry to. Nobody to cherish within that special place in my heart.

Is there something wrong with me?

I want to pick up the phone and dial his damn number right now. I just want to ask him what the fuck he was thinking sleeping with a 17-year-old girl when he's 21. I want to ask him what she has that I don't. I want to ask him so many things and I want to cry and scream at him...

but I know I can't do that...

because any normal person would be over this by now. i'm not normal and the hurt lingers.

is this really what i'm upset about? is it the fear that i will never be able to scream at him and tell him how much he took from me?

i think it is...

and that was the answer i was looking for.

"and the tears keep sliding down her face in torrents of loss and deception. but he never promised her anything. she has no rhyme in her reason. she just thinks and she wonders how much longer she will be able to hold on to her sanity without someone to lean on intimately."_corpsicle©

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