...About A Girl...

complicating everything and everything is complicated
@ 3:05 pm on March 09, 2005

I went to see my counselor today. Its dull when you have nothing to talk about. Which I truly didn't. She tried to talk to me about my anger. I have no anger anymore, and its on rare occasion now that any arises.
I just kind of nodded and attempted at talking about Chris. I told her I felt so dirty after everything that happened with him... She told me that I shouldn't feel dirty. She went on with some story about intent. As an example she said this :
"Say you're driving down the road and see a dog crossing the street and you try to hit it... Now lets say your driving down a road and see a dog crossing the street and try to swerve out of the way but end up hitting it anyways. It doesn't matter what happens, it just matters what you intended to happen."

That's very true. I know I didn't want to just have sex with Chris and expect it to turn out like this. I actually thought we would end up together. That was my intention... so I shouldn't feel dirty. Right?

I should just drop that now... sorry.

I'm sad about the whole Danny and Christina thing. I really don't hate Danny per sae, but I don't think he deserves Christina at all. She knows this too.
I feel like he's putting a distance in our friendship already and its pissing me off. I just want to take his tree pipe and shove it up his...

never mind...this isn't going anywhere.

I don't remember if I wrote about this yesterday so I'll just write about it again...

Warren invited me to spend the night at his house on Saturday. Wow...it would be the first time I literally sleep with a guy...
I have told myself time and again I will not have sex with him yet because I am not a dirty whore and I will not give into that pressure no matter how horny I get.
I swear, if I did something like that again and it didn't go anywhere I would be so devastated I don't think I'd be able to wake up in the morning ever again.
Plus, I don't know where this thing with Warren is headed. Oy...
Complications...always the complications.

Christina doesn't think I should go. I think I should and I will.

He's so cute...I just want to cuddle with him and kiss him gently and give him a small fraction of my affection...

I feel like writing in here notes that Christina and I have passed the last couple of days, so I will do so.

Look Down

me: I can't believe the utter torment I feel inside. I feel like nobody understands this pain or can comprehend all the regret within my heart. Any normal dimwit would be over this by now. I guess that's part of the reason I'm not normal. I hold onto emotions far too long and let them burn inside my soul until it kills off a fraction of my heart. Sorry, I'm depressing.
Christina, our friendship helps me grasp onto home again, and that's something I haven't had in a super long time.
Why can't I get over the mistake I made with Chris? Why can't that memory just disipate into nothing? All I want is to be happy , but my disappointment in the human race oversees all else.
Why are girls bitches? Why do men use girls vulnerability to their advantage?IS everything about sex and fucking? Screw reproduction. Women should sew together their vagina lips with brisk wire and men should cut their genitalia off and use them as kitchen utensils.
I think that is a good plan...
Fuck Ryan and his damn girlfriend, fuck Chris and his tiny peeper, fuck Matt and fuck Kyla - fuck all those mother fuckers with a sport and a blowtorch. Indeed.

christina:I'm sorry, dude. People are bitches. I feel my heart being numbed after every little fucking heartache. I hate that. I feel like I'm losing the "true me" bit by bit. I know I'll never be fully numbed, but I never wanted to feel numbness in my heart, nevertheless.

I'm sorry that Chris is such an asshole. I know he took something wonderful from you & left you with nothing but his absence. He's a fucker! No one deserves that, especially not you, Brit! And it just shows how fucked up the world & people are (Matt's girlfriend doesn't give a fuck that your heart has a deep wound in it, they just care about themselves. And everyone says "Just blow people off." Well... you can ignore people on the surface, but that doesn't mean that your heart doesn't hold onto their words/actions. I hate people, dude.
Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with the world? So much hurt, evil, pain, selfishness, and no fucking cure. We really are fucked.

I don't know. It truly is a broken world full of extremely broken people. I would give anything for every person to find permanent happiness... but it will never happen.

I'm so tired of all the brokenness here though... all the brokenness surrounding me and the swelling brokenness within me. I want to give up sometimes... because I know that all that's left in my future and everyone else's is heartache. And I hate it. And I can understand how so many people do live a deadened and numbed life. Instead of holding onto "desire" as John Eldridge calls it... If you hold so tightly to your desire you are just setting yourself up for pain and disappointment.

It's like... there's no way to win. Its a losing battle everywhere you turn. You're either fucked one way or fucked the other, so what's the point?

My only promise is that I'll never tell kept you at a distance from the things I felt. I'll bite the bullet,
Taking the beating until
You take it all back anyway,
What was I supposed to say? One last thing before I quit. I never wanted anymore than I could fit into my head. I still remember every single word you said. And all the SHIT
That somehow came along with it...
Still, there's one thing that comforts me : Once, I was always caged, but now I'm free.

Like Autumn leaves,
Her senses fall from her.
An empty glass of herself,
Shattered somewhere within.
Her thouhgs like a hundred moths
Trapped in a lampshade
Somewhere within
Their wings banging and burning
Oh, through endless nights
Forever away, she lies shaking & starving
Praying for someone to turn out the lights.

-Rage Against the Machine

me: I don't think that life will always be full of heartache. Of course, there will always be disappointments and emotional challenges but in the end when you do find that one love you can cherish for eternity- it will all seem like a distant echo. ♥
Please hold on, love...
I know inside and from logical observation that Danny is not "the one" for you. He shouldn't have put that pressure on you to have sex when he knew and still knows you are broken over Ryan. I'm not saying that it was all him...never mind.
If love makes you do crazy things, and horniness takes away your logic than heartache makes everything seem pointless. Ya know?
Danny took advantage of your vulnerability and he used it to get his fucking rocks off... and this is why I crossed the line from dislike to hatred last night. It may not seem that way to you,dear, but this is what I think.
I love you, Christina, but I fucking hate Danny.

I really want you to listen to my advice. I just don't want to give it you bluntly...
if I give it to you at all... I don't want to put a barrier in our friendship. I seriously feel like Danny and the whole subject is already putting small ragged edges in our friendship.

Maybe I'm just being selfish...

Sorry.

Heartbreak makes everyone stupid.

"Saving all my words only for you, and forgive me..."-Lacuna Coil

That's what I think about all the time. Forgive me because I'm broken... but I think about the love of my life and reserving my affectionate words for him.
You deserve bettter-
You are going somewhere in life but Danny is lost in a world in which he is going nowhere at this time.
Christina...never mind. I can't keep running my words in a situation that is none of my business...

christina:I dunno , nagger! I know you're right when it comes to Danny but... egh I dunno!

Where the hell have I been? Sleeping, lost & numb.

I may find comfort here...
I may find peace within the emptiness...
how pitiful.

And as I pull my head out,
I am without one doubt-
Don't wanna be down here
Feeding my *narcissism*
And I must crucify the ego
Before it's for too late!
I pray the light lifts me out...
Before I pine away.

I dunno , dude. I feel kinda haywire right now. I don't know what to do w/ Danny.