...About A Girl...

dearest of the dear to my heart
@ 6:31 pm on March 10, 2005

I hate seeing my friend go through such misery. I wish I could erase all her pain...I wish I could turn back time so her and ~~Ryan~~ could be happy again... even if that would compromise our friendship...at least she would be happy.

The friendship I hold with her has brought out a whole new kind of selflessness within me.
I ♥ her and trish so much. I wish I could show it better. All I know how to do is give my words out...my actions seem so worthless when it comes to this type of thing. Oh, my dearest friends... you belong in over half my heart. I can't bare to see either one of you in pain. Neither of you ever deserve an ounce of it at all. Not even close. I ♥ you ,my dears.

I only want your smiles. I never want you to cry. Unless you truly need to show how you feel inside. You are my beautiful friends, my significant other two. I will always be by your side even when you're blue. I love you. I love you. I will always love you...

Christina, I wish I could rip his heart out. I don't think I realized how broken you were. It makes me think that I've never experienced a love so deep... you are so capable of loving others... and when they say one foul word to you I want to kill them.
Like that bitch that Ryan is going out with. I'm sorry...I shouldn't have told you she said that. I wish I would have kept it in. People's words hurt so much and always scar you where bandages can't cover up the bleeding. I'm sorry, dear. I should have saved you the pain and misery. As if you don't have enough pain or tears to shed I had to open big mouth and tell you something that wouldn't improve the situation at all. Hell, I keep on complicating your situations with my attitude toward Danny. You deserve the best in the world, Christina...and I don't think I'm giving that to you. I will do my best to turn this around, doll. I promise. I hate saying stupid shit to add to your misery.

I ♥ you , dear.

••♥••

These segmented lyrics made me think of your Ryan situation... I burned you this CD last year on Fuel Something Like Human...but here they are anyway:

"I'm not the first you sucked down
I drank your pleasure slow
Then stumbled out from your veil
Still I've come for you tonight
Choke my faith and stab my pride
And tell myself that
This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time now
I'll bleed for you
Preservation or predation
As I'm reeling I don't know
Crumbled I spill out of your hand
I want to fall
And you see it all
And you'll just laugh when I say
This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time now
I'll bleed for you"

"Hey I think that someday I might need you somehow
I, I think I might have loved you
These things I said but you were
A million miles away
A million miles away

On my way for the day I find my heart is not for taking
And I know it's all but gone
It only served to make me cry
And I feel like I feel
Cause it's black here with your memory"

"Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said,
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines, over and over and over again she cries
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
And I watched as you turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh "

"I gave you everything
I gave you trust and salvation
I gave you everything that I could provide
I gave you strength to stand and you shoved me
Down
I know you want me to love you
But all you ever do is bring me down
Won't you go away forever?

I've felt the world of pain
Brought me to the water and then left me dry
Took the drug from the user
Took all my strength to run the shoved me
Down

It's kinda freaky just to see you crawl
And all you can do is stare
I know you're tripping
When I kick you to the curb
Like you kicked me "

••♥••

I have strep throat. Apparently, this strep throat thing can go to your heart and kill you if not treated. The doctor gave me some weird ass advice about eating yogert everyday while i was on these antibiotics...something to do with vagina's...i wasn't really listening. I just thought she was on crack...I put her on ignore.

Bleh...so its doubtful I'll spend the night at Warren's...I don't want to get him sick + I don't know if I"m ready to actually "spend the night" with someone... unless i hate them so I can spread my illness.
Indeed.

That is all... until next time.

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