shape your destiny
@ 1:47 pm on March 10, 2005

I'm sick today. I hate being sick. I've been fighting off this hellish cold for at least three weeks and its finally hit me like a lightening bolt. I was worried I'd lose my job, I couldn't make it to school let alone actually work...
I called in and my sweet manager Tonia just told me to bring in a doctors note and was completely understanding. I'm glad she picked up and not Jason.

I don't talk about my job much in here due to the fact I hate the living hell out of it.
However, I do like all of my coworkers...
except for one.

His name is Jacob. When you work in a restaurant, children, you have to realize that everything is teamwork. Teamwork,teamwork,teamwork. Its the worst kind of team in a stressful situation...
Jacob is the biggest asshole I've known in years. I ask him one thing and he gives me all the attitude in the world.
I was patient with it at first but now I just want to grab the glasses off his face and smash them into the dirty carpet. Then I want to grab his eyebrow ring [oh,how trendy!] and rip it out of his fucking face.
I hate him.

If you knew what it felt like to ask a favor of someone and then have the other person respond with "leave me alone you, bitch/cunt" or just give you attitude when all you were was nice... I feel sorry for you if you know what that feels like, I'll leave it at that.

This makes me positive that I need to go to college and get a career where I can support myself. I hate working with other people because while you're giving you're 100% and they give their 25% you just want to kick their faces in.

I am a hard worker, I do my job. I do my shitty ass job and I have to smile while I do it. Do you know how difficult that is?
When the servers fuck up, the customers come to me and bitch,bitch,bitch and yell in my face. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? I'm only a hostess, not the manager. Oh, since I'm not dressed in the Howard's tee I must be the fucking manager. I'm not you damn Colorado Springs fools...
I'm only me...

Anyways, I called into work and Tonia said not to worry about me missing work and just to bring a doctors note. This I will, I have an appointment in an hour...

I told her about Jacob and she was cool enough to say that she was sick of his shit too. She noticed he was giving me attitude and he isn't a good server... he gets like $6.00 tips with a party of 12. I've seen it.

I just hope she fires his stupid ass.

I feel like my life is coming together, nevertheless. This puts a smile on my face. I'm happy, I have best friends once again, I have a life, I have money, I'm getting my permit [finally] next month, and the hectic drama going on in my life and in past decisions is dimming down.
I've finally found my footing in this world after years of feeling like I was sinking into the muck and bullshit.

I feel sorry for all you melodramatic teenagers out there that push people away and make your own lives miserable without even realizing it. I hate the lack of accountability in this world.

For the strangers that read this, I probably seem like a bitch or a hypocrite. I just find solace within myself and my loved ones.

I know what it feels like to be lost in this world and not know what you are doing wrong. I know what it feels like to be on constant self-destruct. I know what it feels like to be alone, without any friends, or just alone without a girlfriend/boyfriend. I know what its like to cry myself to sleep and hate everything about myself. [i still hate some of my flaws] But the thing that I didn't realize before is that change is always an option. You just have to look at yourself in the mirror when you're at the lowest of the low and realize that that isn't what you want with your life. Only you can change and shape your destiny. I hope this finds someone out there and truly touches them. It makes me sad that there are still people out there as lost and depressed as I was. There is always hope , though, and thats what keeps me breathing.

I know what it feels like not to know yourself. When you don't know what to expect out of your emotions or reactions is when you really need to take a stand and look into your soul. Life is hard for everybody, to different degrees, yes, but its a struggle everyone is going through. Life is heartbreaking.
Remember to those of you that are alone, love isn't what makes the world go round. Love just makes the ride worth while. Love starts within yourself and it works outward.
People see it too...their keen sixth sense...

Okay...enough of my rambling.

I'm crossing my fingers that this cold goes away so I can spend the night at Warren's on Saturday. *wink*

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