So I must ask myself ... what am I running from?

My silence is prohibited, however. It doesn't matter that I have nothing of importance to say to her... I"m just another malignant tumor squandering aimlessly about mother earths face. *giggles*

I don't know what to say to her - before, I turned 17 there wasn't this rift in our relationship. There were plenty of words to say; even if they did mostly consist of ego-bashing obsinities and random one fingered salutes.

Now that I'm not that angry teenage super-nova bith anymore (or at least not as often as the itch used to be to act as such) the silence is deafening.

I don't speak to my mother because now there are too many things to keep as secrets. If I let them come spilling out into her lap she might be in need resesitation (mind you her doctor told her quite recently that she's as at high of risk of having cardiac arrest as somebody that's already had a once-over.)

And also if I drown in puddles of shame I may not be around to puncture a hole in her throat so she can breathe again...

I know the silence in my presnece leaves puncture wounds in her beautiful heart.
Understand I can't see her ocean blue eyes look at me in disappointment or cry another tear of shame. I want those days to be over.

Seriously, my life has become a chapter of sex,drugs, rock n' roll. I never thought things would come to this. I must admit, I kind of like it, I'm enjoying the spontinaity and random adventures of the lifestyle.
Yet, just knowing that it started with that asshole Chris Clark pisses me off. I disappoint myself sometimes.

Richard is making things seem more mellowed out and better, though. Just having sex with an acutal boyfriend makes me feel a lot less trashy. He gets frusterated with me sometimes... Christina and him hate each other. It saddens me... but hey...one of them has reasons and the other one only has excuses as to why they don't like the other.

I'm not saying either way. I don't know if certain people read this so I'll keep my mouth shut and not elaborate on that.

I really like Richard... ♥

Richard was in it...although, I'm not so positive he is the one I will feel this way about...
He's fun, and cute that's what matters for now...
Even thru Christina's extreme dislike for Richard she still says he's cute.

Anyways, back to the dream. I was sitting on this swing with Richard and the sky was all sunset light pink, purple, and blue. It looked like someone had taken water colors and threw them all over a canvas.
I was cuddled next to Richard and there was this beautiful emotion that I had never felt before. This love... I knew it was love. It was so pure and beautiful , it was so full , it filled my whole body with this safe warmth. There was no vulnerability, no lack of trust, no negative... it was just so beautiful. I can't even put it into words.
I know Richard was probably just there because he's my fasination of the moment.
He's so cool the Mexican's call him coolo. Just kidding. [coolo = asshole in spanish].

I really like Richard, I can't help myself. I just know I can't trust him...

for now.

I wrote a few snatches of poems I'll probably elaborate on later. I like how the few sentences turned out... here they are:

Please overt your eyes.
Do you really want to see me cry?
You ripped my heart from my sleeve
And left me here afraid to bleed...
Please catch my falling tears



Do you want me by your side?
Or do you simply wish I'd leave you alone?
I never know with you
This thing we have is so new
I had a dream last night that we were in love
Watching the stars and moon
Our hearts interconnected...

I've really had this longing to collect groupies. You know, like where Christina and I are pimps and we have a bunch of little bitches that laugh at everything we say...but can be cool and serious when the situation arises.
Naw, I just want a bigger group of friends more variety...more people to be a total fuckwit with.

I think that's all in this snatchy area...mmmhmmm...

>.< My stress is crazy. I couldn't even stay at school on Wednesday [the reason I was suspended for Thurs. and Fri.] I was pissed because before my mom dropped me off she was screaming at me about something or another...don't remember what. Then teachers were pissing me off and students especially pissing me off. Mike had the audacity to start beating me with a broom. Fuckin' wiener thought he was becing funny.

So Christina, Bing, and I all left school and smoked out. We went to this Mormon neighborhood near the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Later day fucks... I don't know what the fuck is going on with that neighborhood. It seriously started to scare me. Everything is exactly the same in that neighborhood...the houses, the lawns, the trash can location, the trees, the cars [they all have outbacks].
Scares the shit out of me. Its so sick how fucked Mormons are. I"m sorry but seriously... I just can't respect that religion.

After that Christina dropped me back off at school because my mom was picking me up. Mr.B came out all anal saying that we didn't tell him that we were leaving. Well, no shit sherlock... you don't tell people when you skip school...especially not your own fucking principal. Dumb fucker...

Then I went to go see my shitty councelor. Fuck her. I"m sick of her two-faced bitchiness. I don't like her at all. I really don't have anything to talk about with a sick woman like that - I don't trust her at all.

She probably told my mom that I had sex with Chris. I didn't tell her about Richard at all so she has nothing on him. I"m going to keep on making up fucking stories until I don't have to see the bitch anymore. I hate you, Judy. Die!

kay...sorry... that was a long one...but this is all.

Oh, but check out my new cast page...I added pictures.!