bad me
@ 9:29 am on April 14, 2005

Life has been complicated. I was getting close to dumping Richard...I stood him up again. I'm shitty.I was with Chrin,Sam,and Shane smoking a blunt.
Sorry, Rich. He's unfair though. I'm a forgiving person and he really isn't. He holds grudges. He kept on throwing shit in my face like "Shame on you for fooling me once.
Shame on me for you fooling me twice." Well fuck you too.
I like Richard...a lot...but my emotions are all out of whack since my uncle is getting out of Sing Sing on Friday. I don't know what to do with myself. One of the only people I've told about that
was Christina... I felt the need to tell Rich otherwise he wouldn't understand. He doesn't understand my fear of my uncle sam still... I was going to get a gun...I know I can't legally...I just can't even bare to think
of him coming after me ...again.
I've been listening to Atreyu like no other lately. Atreyu is amazing - their lyrics are outta this world. I like lip gloss & black- that's on replay all the time.
Here's some of the lyrics:
If I gave you pretty enough words.
could you paint a picture of us that works.
an emphasis on function rather than design.
aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
and blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while..
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die.
I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold. [x3]
I am exhumed.. just a little less human....
so much more bitter and cold....[repeating]
after all these images of pain, have cut right thru you,
I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.
aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
and destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die
live love burn die

Its depressing... this song reminds me of myself in the Richard situation. I have been selfish to such extremes... if he knew how bad I felt...ugh...Richard, you're already in my heart. This song is called "Deanne the Arsonist"
Coward, the next time you want to fuck me over stab me in the front
Can I still see my future in your eyes,
or can I picture myself dead in your embrace
And your cruel crimson red smile, kills
Everyone cared about you. Why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings.
No one could have their moments free from your withering touch.
Fuck off like you're the only person that has ever cried or been broken by love
Spare me your pity party drunk off your own misfortunes
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy
.can you taste my blood. You knew that this would kill me. But you carried on and on
with your selfish shit., everyone cared about you. Why couldn't you
instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings.
burnt down my world, you killed my hope
spread out the ash and walked away
how could you just close off your eyes.
turn tail and run, you are the greatest coward
damn right I am still pissed..
next time I see you we will see who has the upper hand
kiss my fist. Taste the floor. Tired of your games. fuck off goodbye.

I hope he doesn't feel that way but its really the way I precieve myself at the moment.
I can be such an insensitive bitch sometimes. argh... I frusterate myself.
I start my new job waitressing @ Rosie's on Tuesday next week. I'm excited to make some tips... yesssssss...
Need to save up for plastic surgery so they can cut the ugly right out of me. *wink* seriously.
My mission: to look like her.
Yes, but I must go because I'm sneaking this in during Bio 2 when I'm supposed to be working on my final...uh oh.
bad me.

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