jaaaaah
@ 1:48 pm on April 17, 2005

Yesterday Richard told me that he loved me for the first time. He seriously said "Brittany, I love you."
I did not say it back...
I did tell him that it isn't that I don't feel it, its just that I want to mean it when I finally say it to him.
How lovely.

I need to get laid again. Richard brought up a whole new kind of sex that he wants to have with me. I'm a little standoffish on the issue... hm. Well, he won't make me do anything I'm uncomfortable with. Bondage and bdsm is his fortae though, so there might be some minor issues.
hm.

I have been so disgusted with myself lately. I look in the mirror and I want to vomit. I feel ugly, fat, disgusting - everything negative.
There is no way I am not getting plastic surgery. Mainly I want rhinoplasty and breast aug.
I've hated my nose for as long as I can remember, and guys love boobs. I can see that there is pretty in me under the surface , I just need somebody to bring that out for me.
I'm working on the whole weight thing myself. I want to lose about 50 pounds or more. I'd be skinny for once, but that's what I want or at least to be healthy. I'm overweight right now. Bummer. My own choices.

My uncle got out of S.S. prison on Friday. I've been freaking about that all week. I treated myself to some vodka [Mckormicks] at 10 in the morning because of this. I just got buzzed and went to drama class.
For those of you who don't know... my uncle was in prison for the last 14.5 years after molesting me and some other little girls. Sick bastard. I was 2 & 3 when this was going on - just to give you a good idea of just how sick he really is.

He's in comcore now, I hope they keep a close eye on him because I wouldn't be surprised if he'd break out to kill me. I do have a perminant restraining order on him - but a piece of paper never held him back before. Asshole.

I was thinking of buying a pistol but Richard says he thinks I should take some self-defense classes instead which is much healthier. Guns aren't good for anybody - but I'm still thinking of packing one illegally. I know where I could get one if I wanted one. Hell, I could even call one of my cousins and they'd drop one off. A few of them went through the same thing as me. What a wonderful babysitter, eh?

The Dub Project split up. Sad stuff, really. Except it was fun seeing Corrine so distressed about it. Fucking Converse.

My new obsession is Atreyu. Let me tell ya. Their lyrics are so fucking amazing. I plan on getting Atreyu: The Curse once I get my tips in from Rosies. I'm also saving my tips for surgery, insurance, rent, and a huge shopping spree so I can change my look/myself and responsibility around completely. I want to dress like these people. Awesome Asians.

My mother is meeting Richard tomarrow evening. I wonder how this will go. Actually, I still need to ask Rich if he can drive up here.

Tomarrow afternoon I plan on picking up my last paycheck from Howard's and saving some, paying Matt back with some, buying a carton of Marlboro Mentol 100's, and buying an eighth of some Chronic from my dear drug dealer. I don't trust anyone else with my cash. I'll probably smoke out on 4:20 - no wait, shit its my second day of work, probably not. But I'll save it for the weekend.
KB makes me so paranoid, but its all in good fun.

I love you Mary Jane. Yes, I surely do.

I think thats all for now. What does everybody think of my layout? Let me know.

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