abuse
@ 6:48 pm on April 23, 2005

I had a brakedown yesterday. All my plans were ruined. Rich couldn't come over and Christina got grounded because of her preformance in school.
I started crying once I got home.
Just so much shit is happening. I'm reading this book right now that my mom bought me called The Courage to Heal for childhood sexual abuse victims and survivors and I think its hurting me more than its helping me... Just recovering all these memories...
I threw up yesterday when I was reading this ladies story... Just what she said, her honesty reminded me of...
so many things...

Do you know how fucked up a person has to be to do that to a little girl? Due to the fact I was only three when I experienced that sickens me. The more disgusting part is that it was all incest. All of it, my father and my uncle.

I've been staying up at night staring at my ceiling for hours excpecting my uncle to come barging through my door naked with a pistol... It may sound funny to you - but I'm afraid for my life. The last thing he said to me after I testified was "I'll kill you little bitch. You hear me?!?!?!?!" I was the only one he said that to. He ignored my other cousins and looked at me with those bitter hazel eyes screaming that at the top of his lungs as they dragged him out of the courtroom kicking and yelling like a madman. It was then that I fell to the ground and blacked out. It was after that my night terror's started. It was after that I swore to myself to never trust a man.

Those tears still come. I was molested by my uncle from ages 2-3 when he was supposed to be babysitting me and reading me bedtime stories he was actually dropping his pants and putting himself inside my mouth and trying to force himself into other parts of me. After my uncle was dragged off to prison for 15 years...which was shortened to 14.5 due to good behavior... my father started molesting me. I never had a positive male role-model in my life. It was always negativity.

I ask myself why I'm so numb all the time when I start to talk about my past openly like I am right now. I remember staring at other things when my uncle used to rub me and when my father used to...
I remember feeling like I drifted outside of my body and I was looking at myself from above. I remember knowing what was happening to me but not fully acknowledging it, ignoring it and pretending it wasn't.

When my dad stopped molesting me [something I still haven't told my mom about to this day... she has enough on her plate...] he started beating me.

Its almost like the abuse will never end. It keeps going and going and going...but surfacing with different faces. I want to kill any man that has ever even thought of doing that to a child. Do you know how much it has fucked me up? Probably not... I just think all the time about how I had no childhood. I can barely recall playing with barbies... I just remember thinking that I was like Rapunzel trapped in a place that I could not escape... and I'm still waiting for that prince charming to climb up from nowhere and save me...

I wrote this poem a few years back. It made a huge impact on me because they are memories I have recovered and refuse to actually speak about... I can write about them. Writing is always easier.

Its called "Take Away" and I poured my memories, my broken heart, and my lack of childhood into every single bit of it. It pretty much covers my life from ages 2-15. I remember my uncle screaming at my aunt after she found out what he was doing to my cousins and I. I remember him just screaming at her when the dinner was cold... she killed herself two months after his sentencing...

She trembles in the darkness
She knows whats to come
She holds her pillow tightly
As her body goes numb
She sees his shadow dancing
Right outside her door
All her bruises and her cuts
Aren't what makes her sore
As she screams silently
No one knows whats happening
Take this pain away from me


Take these pains away from me


The husband hits her harshly
The dinner was too cold
The toddeler just stands there
She sees his hate unfold
She cries a sweet river
Nightmares all for dreams
The little girl just shivvers
She shivvers as she screams
Take away these memories
They're killing me, they're killing me
Take away my wretched past
Its hurting me, its hurting me.


She downs another drink
The time is 8 past 2
Flashbacks come hurteling
They leave her black and blue
She cries another river
Hate pumps through her veins
There's so much love to give
Yet she only gets the pain
A needle sticking in her arm
Pills upon her desk
She takes another swig
And lays her life to rest


Take away these haunting pains
They're screwing me, they're screwing me.
Take away these writhing throns
They'll murder me, they'll murder me


Red and blue lights flashing
She see's she's still alive
She doesn't understand why
She takes her life in stride
She's learned from tears and pain
Her life is full of both
But when she thought of the past
Is when it hurt the most


Erase all these memories
They're scaring me , they're scaring me
Peel away these memories
They're burning me, they're burning me...

I want to add more to that poem about how I gave up my virginity because I felt such a huge void...but I haven't been able to prepare myself to add any more to that quite yet.
I'm very proud of that poem however, its my best one if I do say so myself.

Richard is coming over tomarrow. I really really miss him. I haven't seen him in about a month, maybe more, now. We've been dating for over a month now too. Silly, really.

He got his lip pierced. That's so sexy. He already is sexy, but that just adds to his god-like sexiness.

I really need sex. My horniness for Rich like a venom running through my veins. Its crazy. I'm really falling for him now. I'm going to take hours and hours and hours to get ready tomarrow. I want to look my best for him and turn him on to no end.
He's meeting my mother... *shivvers* I don't know what this is going to turn out like. I promised her I'd vacuum...it still hasn't happened. Lovely.

I will be GRADUATING by next school year. I only have four credits left besides the ones I'm already working on. Three of those credits are in math. Humbug. I still have to finish off my Algebra 1 second semester then jump into Geometry 2 and am expected to remember everything from 2nd grade, then I have business math.
Other than that I only have another credit to go in Science. That's pretty good. I'm exactly one year ahead. *claps hands* I'm graduating over 8 months early. Wonderous.
I'm proud of myself. I have a brain behind the stubbornness after all, eh?

Christina has been struggling with Ryan again the last week or so. Her and Ryan hooked up [had sex] last week. When she told me everything that he had said and done I knew she was going to end up crying alone yet again. I know the games that sick little horny asshole plays. He cheated on her twice when they were together and now it looks like he cheated on his current girlfriend, Amanda, with Christina. Isn't that just sick? Christina was in tears when I called her. Poor dear. I tried to warn her. I started crying with her on the phone even though she didn't know. Our friendship is so close I swear I can feel her pain in many situations. I just want her to find a really decent wonderful guy that won't use her or break her heart. I love her like crazy and I hate seeing her in pain like this. I want to kill that asshole named Ryan. Fucker.

Rich and my relationship seems to be evolving while Christina's depression is just going deeper and deeper. She told me she just didn't want to live - that she wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up and go to heaven. I just want her happiness to be abundant and over rule her depression. Her choices are really ruining things though. She keeps on getting in trouble. She's been drinking alone a lot - it makes me worry big time. I just can't wait until I turn 18 so we can finally move in together and get ourselves situated and independant. She just needs to be shown how much people love and care about her... that's all.

I love you, Chrin!
Know that and keep that knowledge locked in your heart and know that I will always be here for you love.

I started at my new job at the diner this week. It was so exhausting. I love most of my coworkers though... that's a first. I get along so well with this girl Jen and this guy Steve. Jen hates Morgan just as much as I do and she dated Tommy for a week before we got together. Crazy stuff. We get along purty well... we were supposed to hang out on Friday but things fell through anyway. Steve wants to smoke twigs with me...neat. Jen has a crush on Steve. Cool enough...argh.

I worked over 22 hours in three fucking days. That is too insane for someone who is attending school...+ I only get paid $5.15 an hour. That is exactly at Colorado's minimum wage. Bull shit. I worked my ass off training. I did more than I should have. I like who I'm working with at least mostly...which makes the time go by faster. Good...At least my check is going to be over $100.00 - I still owe Matt $80.00 and my mom $20.00...

I can doooo id.

Just sucks that I have to blow my paycheck on what I owe people. Fuck that...I'll just give Matt a 40 - I really want to buy some CD's like Mindless Self Indulgence, the Birthday Massacre, and of course A Perfect Circle - Emotive. I love that CD...Chrin has it...

Sam owes me money too...I don't think I'll loan money to her anymore. She never pays me back in full. She owes me around $6.00 or more... I know its not much but hell I"m a teenager I need all the money I can get. Chrin owes me around $25.00 - I'm fine with Chrin because she always pays me back somehow.

I just need money...and a constant supply of cigarettes...and not just any cigarettes Marlboro Menthol 100's. That's right beetch. That's all I enjoy smoking. I really need a ciggy now...so I'm going to go get that and call Richard...

blah.

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