no calls for him
@ 9:10 on May 05, 2005

I took a poll and everybody [even people that I'm not friends with] told me
that I shouldn't call Richard...not for days...to see if he calls me. He
never calls me. I don't think he's taking me seriously. He is treating
me like a whore and sex-toy. That's not what I am. I don't know what part
of "I want a relationship...a real loving relationship..." means to him
but its deffinately not [just] sex (to me). I really hope this works...but if it doesn't
I know that it won't be my fault.
I like Richard...but shit. I need somebody that's willing to call me.
I need somebody to actually make plans and want to do things with me
buy me shit randomly...[nothing expensive - just a flower or something...]
I need somebody to show me that they care...
I'm not a toy...I'm a human being.
I never used to let people walk on me at all...so what's so different about
Richard that I let him do this to me?
He knows I care...he says he does but sometimes actions speak louder than words.
He doesn't call me, he never makes plans...I have to do all the work.
Apparently I'm not worth the gas money either...I paid him $7.00 so he could
come up to Monument from the Springs a few weeks ago. Ridiculous.
I just want him to show me and tell me he cares...I'm getting nothing.
I don't know what to do. I need feedback.
However, I have been able to tell that I may not be worth the time but I am
worth the silence. Makes me sick.
I've given him everything except my heart and it still isn't good enough.
He even has a little bit of my heart.
So I will take my time calling him and asking him to do things.
Lets see how much he wants this...how much he wants me and him to work out.
I'm not calling him anymore.
He makes me feel ugly and untalented...unattractive and trashy.
Fucking men...
My soul is too deep and my heart is too big for him to grasp.
I want this to work...but now I'm done showing the effort...its his turn.

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