drunk concert
@ 9:32 on May 18, 2005

This past week has been interesting. Between getting high and getting drunk I've been doing nothing.
On Saturday Christina, Adam, Charles, Rob and I all went to go see the Mansfields. They were better than I thought they'd be. I talked to people I didn't know and ran into people I haven't seen in a long time like this kid I went to middle school with Nate and this other kid I used to go to church with, Sean. It was cool to run into them both. Nate and I hugged! I had a crush on his best friend in 8th grade. Hah.
I love Nate - too bad I was too drunk to get his number. I had fun with Adam and Charles though. It was the first time I'd met Charles.He is pretty. Christina dated him when she was 16. We're even talking about him moving in with us when we get a place. Neat. He even brought it up.
It would make rent much easier. On average a townhouse with three bedrooms is about $825.00 a month. That would be easy as pie to split into three.
I'm going to consider him moving in - even though I think I'd grow tired of him calling me "tall B" all t he damn time.
I've been really anti-telephone lately for some reason. I don't like making calls or taking calls. I don't know - my anti-social behavior has begun to kick in again.
I'm weaning myself off the Welbutrin which is against my mom's wishes and knowledge. I don't think I need to be on two different anti-depressants...idiots...putting me on this stupid shit. I'm fine without it.

The thing I'm avoiding talking about is Rob. I was molested by Rob. pervert...
He wouldn't get off of me- the damn jew.
He looked like a werewolf hovering over me... it made me so sick. I kept on trying to push him off but he wouldn't get the clue. I told Richard the half-truth about it...I just couldn't tell him everything because it was all too fucked up. It still makes me sick to think all of that happened.

What I'm starting to realize [with the help of Richard pointing it out to me] is that I'm emotionally masochistic. I always put myself in situations that can't be good and when they turn out terrible I look for everybody else to blame but myself.

Today is our two-month mark. I just want to call him and tell him what I am starting to feel about him. I want to say "Richard, I love you." Because believe it or not, I already am starting to feel that toward him. If that makes me a weak vulnerable person then so be it. I love him.

I hate how he hates Christina. We're so much alike I don't know how he can tell me he loves me and hates her. It still fucks with my head. I love Chrinny - she's my best friend...her and Trish both. They are some of the only people that truly understand me and that can make me smile even when I'm in the shittiest of moods.
So the Otep concert is coming up on Sunday. I hope to get truly wasted.
I'm finally attempting to quit smoking. I didn't have one cigarette yesterday...its taking a toll on my stress,anger, and vulnerability in my emotions...argh...I really need one. Oy!
Unfortuneately, my time has been limited to write in here but this is still my favorite journal. This is where I really pour my soul out onto the screen.
I need to find another job...
I need to graduate...
I need to get my lisence...
I need to move out...

So many things on my mind that I can't begin at one point or another...I never know where to start.
I believe that once I figure that out I'll have more time to spill on here.

Anyways, leave me notes of encouragement my dland buddies and I'll be sure to return the favor in your time of need. For now I must go - I'm in school sneaking this in... which brings up another subject... my mom and I have been fighting which really tears me apart. mainly because I was dishonest with her about taking her digital camera...i lied and denied but she saw right through me. Wonderful how mothers can do that...
TTFN ♥ Brit

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