...About A Girl...

vae victus, abomination
@ 1:28 on June 09, 2005

I'm still home...for now. Later today I'm going to a place called Three East...

What really bothers me is the thought that my mother pressed charges against me. That really bothers me. I don't know why its just now sinking in...I've been on probation since November. What kind of mother presses charges against their own daughter?
It really bothers me.

I'm learning from my mothers numerous mistakes. I know she loves me...and I love her. She just wasn't cut out to be a mother. She can never handle problems on her own she always has to reach out to someone else. When people get involved that don't care about you - you get anally fucked.

I hate to think about what hell I must be putting Richard through. I love him so much. He's been so good to me...and this is how I thank him.There's this song by the Goo Goo Dolls that fits my situation perfectly. Its called "Iris": And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I can't keep living like this. I've been itching to get the hell out of Colorado ever since all this shit has been happening. It hurts to be here. Broken memories everywhere. Can you imagine sleeping in the same bedroom that your father used to beat you in for 4 years straight? Can you imagine having to walk down streets; each of them holding a different negative memory? Its like living in hell - I'm living my worst moments over and over and over again.
I just want to turn 18 and run...run like hell.

I look at myself and all I see is damaged goods. I don't know what anybody would want to do with me. I'm a mess...

This is the story of my life:
My pain, my pride, these scars are mine [x3]
I will tell you a story
That's never been told
I wll tell you a secret
Five lifetimes old
My life has been a prison
A labyrinth built beneath the mountain of tragedy
I'm a stain on the cloth
I'm just an after-thought
But I
Would die
For this

But through the veins of decay
I'll remain to betray
To live like Caesar
To die like Jesus
To build my own religion
No gods, no laws
To celebrate pain
Forsaken and ashamed
To watch them all
Crawl beneath us
On this bed of nails and regret
Dying of fevers, betrayal, and sweat
I cry

My organs are rotting
My enemies are plotting
I am made of pages
Paragraphs and inspirations
Paper girl, burn the world
I pass the flame to you
Murder, mayhem, hurt her, hate him [x4]
Murder, mayhem, fuck her, slay them

My pain, my pride, these scars are mine [x2]
My pain
My misery has been formulated into an equation of nein
My sanity wrote a suicide note but
One of us is illiterate
And the other is blind
My first act of treason was picking up a pen
My
First act of love was
Finding myself again
The hardest thing to do
Was standing up to you
Now I'm off my knees
Now you're begging me please
I'm the wound and the weapon
The fracture and the
Fist

That stabbing in your heart
That black hole in your soul
Slowly ripping you apart
That's me [x2]
So let it be written
So let it be done
The brighter they shine
The darker
We
Become
Vae victus, abomination [x3]

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