numb. in love.
@ 8:25 on June 15, 2005

I'm trying so hard to breathe and stay alive.
I'm not going to juvie...I am getting kicked out of my house either way though.
I might be going to foster care...most likely I'm going to residental treatment.
Somehow I'm so numb from it I can't care anymore.
I'm numb...I'm helpless...
I just want to be able to stay home so I can continue things with Richard...spend time with friends...
but friends seem so unimportant right now.

I'm so in love with Richard...and I'm going to miss Chrinny so much... I have four months until I'm 18 and then I think I'll move out of state. I hate it here...every memory I have is bad ... everywhere I go there's another memory that I don't want to think of... its always so sick and diluded. My life has been one fucking mess after another ... and look at me the product of it all a fucking train wreck. I am a train wreck.

Richard half-way proposed to me...I'm going to say yes. He's been so wonderful to me. Everytime I'm with him I feel like I'm living a fairy-tale romance. Its perfect. Nobody can interrupt us or what we have...it can't be broken - its grown too strong and its still growing. I love him...I don't think I've ever loved anybody like this before.

I feel like pushing everyone away that isn't in my little close knit circle. I don't think people are worth my time...they have no idea what true struggles are or what giving up in yourself can feel like. They don't know.

I went to Parkview and I couldn't ever get a hold of Christina. I felt let down...but I realize she has a life too. Richard was the only one that talked to me...he helped me through, encouraged me, loved me, listened to my concerns...I love him so much for it. I love you so much, Richard.

I do want a family with him one day. I think that would be wonderful... But at the same time I think that this is all going to cave in and get all fucked up...its too perfect. I'm always worried that it will happen.

He tells me that if I go to RTC and get out in four months he'll have a question to ask me. I'm trying to deny what the question will be...but I think I know. He told me he wanted a family with me...nobody has ever said that to me before. I love him. I love him soooo damn much.

I hope we last forever.

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