flashback
@ 3:29 on June 19, 2005

I had a terrible panic attack last night. It upset me moreso because I had it in front of Christina, Charles...and worst of all Richard.

It started out with Chrinny and I going out to smoke a cigarette...the moths came around. It always has to be the moths. I mean I had been drinking...I was buzzed; which I'm sure didn't help...but just the way one of the moths started fluttering around the light...it just brought me back.
When I have flashbacks its like I'm blinking rapidly and can't stop...one second I know whats going on and the next "the past" seems to bring its self forward...like its happening all over again. I lose touch, and its really really scary.

People that don't suffer from flashbacks ...well , its really hard for them to understand.

It takes me a few hours to remember what was actually going on at the time while my flashbacks were occuring...and do you know what I remember?
I remember Richard holding my hand telling me over and over again that he loved me...whispering it...and I remember Christina touching my head...doing something [probably praying...she said she was doing that]...I'm surprised I even remembered anything at all. I normally don't.

I was searching for a way to explain how to handle me when this happens...it rarely happens...and I wish I could control it...but most of the time I can't...I panic...I just can't keep myself calm. Its like I see one thing...and my eyes start going all R.E.M. on me without me realizing it...I feel like I'm passing out even though I know I'm not...and my reality is altered for however long...its scary. Its scary to know that I have to suffer from these things...its embarrassing to know two of the people I love most in the world had to see it. [Christina and Richard]

Here's an explanation of what to do with me if I flip a switch again, guys [I found it here]:

What happens during a body flashback? Sometimes a woman will suddenly go rigid and begin to moan, scream or wail. She may begin to hyperventilate and feel unable to stop. Her arms, legs, head, or even her whole body may flail around out of her control. She may double over in apparent pain. If you try to ask her what's wrong, she may not be able to talk. Any number of other behaviors may be exhibited, so don't be surprised.

If a woman begins flashing in your group, the first rule of thumb is stay calm! I have never seen a flashback last more than twenty minutes and, believe it or not, the woman usually feels wonderful afterward! If the woman doesn't seem to be doing anything that may harm herself (such as throwing her arm into a mirror or window) let her be. Don't let anyone touch her or hug her unless she asks for it. However, if she is in a position to break something or hurt herself, gently guide her to the middle of the floor and let her lie down.

Speak slowly, soothingly and softly. Tell her it's alright, she is safe, and everything will be okay. If she's gasping remind her to breathe (if she doesn't respond to this, try taking loud deep breaths yourself; she'll often match you). If you and/or the group can quietly speak to her--even if it's nonsense, or singsongs--it may help her stay attached to the present and not get pulled downward too far.

Eventually, the woman will quiet and come back to herself. She may be embarrassed by this experience, so you and the group will have to reassure her that what happened to her is very normal.

I don't ever feel normal when shit like that happens. But I guess when you have to eat all the shit I've had to eat...it is...

Too much trauma/drama. God damn it...

When I start to get flashbacks and I'm still with it for the time being...I try to hurt myself because pain keeps me in touch with reality for a while...and sometimes prevents me from flipping out.
After everything happened I was still unstable and I told everybody I had to go get something upstairs...I did get something...I went to my razor stash and kittie scratched up and down my left arm. It keeps me in tune...I don't know...
I just lied to Rich when he asked if I cut myself...I said "no"...I just didn't want to freak him out anymore than I already had...

I love him so much...I don't want my craziness to scare him off...somehow he seems to understand though...

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